All Jokes

"What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
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you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
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you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
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at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
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getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
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your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
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you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
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you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

Accountants do it by the book.
Accountants do it within budget.
Accountants do it to the bottom line.
Accountants do it with double entries.
Accountants do it between spreadsheets.
Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.
Accountants do it without losing their balance.

You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
Please, baby, let me withhold you.
Nice assets.
Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.

Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"

The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."